Happy Halloween from your ghoulish armchair quarterback! It’s the Halloween Edition of Football Friday where it seems a number of seasons have gone from bad to frightful, coaching decisions have gone from questionable to phantom, and The Broncos are being thrown to the Werewolves in London. Okay, it’s just The Niners.
The Ghost Horses at The Zombie Miners (in London): Two terrible teams collide in a game that will undoubtedly feature bad turnovers, bad penalties, and one coach loyally executing his gameplan and another making constantly new decisions with caprice. I think Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit would be better suited at the game featuring two past Heisman Winners. The improbability of picking a tie is reserved only for the Wall Street Journal computers (which likes to pick games with fractional points scored), but these two weak sisters should kiss for the disasters they’ve infllcted on their fandom. But when in doubt, pick dumb, pick your historical favorite. If the Broncos have the chance to get Tebow involved and if Eddie Royal is healthy enough to do some gimmickry (both of which I think will happen), the Niners will implode.
The Blue-Tongued Extinct Swamp Pumas at I Wanna Be a Cowboy: Eventually, karma catches up with hubris. But Jerry Jones will catch a break and in this battle of back ups (I can’t remember if Jacksonville is playing a 3rd string NFL quarterback or a 2nd string UFL quarterback. And he’s playing against Jon Kitna), I think the Cowboy defense will eventually show itself. I’m also on pain meds this morning.
There is Nothing Scary About Dolphins. They are Friendly, Entertaining & Intelligent Marine Mammals at Nightmare in Northern Kentucky: Is it irony or fate that the little black stormcloud of no titles follows Terrell Owens around? He’s almost 37, has 40 catches for 563 yard, 3 scores and gets 14.1 per catch. Those are super numbers in only six games. He hasn’t been a jerk, yet his team is 2-4. Both of these teams have found some inexplicable ways to lose lately, but it’s the Dolphins who have been royally robbed. Because they’re on the road (3-0) and not at home (0-3), we’re going with the Pixar Mascot among all the Freddy Kreugers.
This Halloween, Mommy, I want to Dress Up as a Football Player! Can I Borrow Dad’s Bills Helmet? at The Ghost of Hank Stram: Is it the coordinators? Three weeks ago, I theorized that New England would next year pick up all the defensive coordinators that were incompetent at head coaching, and create the all-time greatest defensive coaching staff, ever. Mike Singletary. Lovie Smith. Wade Phillips. Jack Del Rio. John Fox. All coaching the New England Sidelines. Well, New England Midwest had obviously come up with that idea ahead of time. Charlie Weis could recruit, and Romeo Crennel could make good beer ads, but neither could make the final jump to the HC. Todd Haley often looked lost and confused much of last year. This year? This is a team no one wants to play. If Haley starts wearing a sporty red blazer and patrolling the sidelines with his hair fopped and a game program rolled in one hand, the rest of the National Football League is in serious trouble.
If you Dressed your Child as a Redskin in a DC School, You Would Likely Be Suspended, Beaten Up and Arrested at The Most Horrifying Pro Football Franchise of the Last Decade: Trap Game for Shanny. Last year, the Lions ended their epic losing street at Washington’s expense, and no one gives up more yards per game than the DC-D. Stafford is back. The Lions are as good as their record says they are, but there is no prayer they would have won the game last week if it wasn’t Jay Cutler quarterbacking the Bears.
Cape Fear at The St. Louis Professionals Still Dressed as the St. Louis Amateurs: Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Mr. Blackwell I’m not, but Halloween is about what you wear, right? If you dreamed of making the pros as a kid, would it be to dress as a Ram? Wouldn’t you ask yourself, am I in the NFL or the WAC? Well I think the answer is obvious. If you have Sam Bradford as quarterback, wearing WAC-unis in a few years will only seem to make sense. If the Kroenke Dome decides to go full-tilt gimmick in a remodel, the natural progression should be a deep indigo Fieldturf. The No Fun League ownership will likely collude to block this, because it’s hard to sell samples of deep blue field turf to your fans, but it would actually match better with the assault of pink the same ownership pretends to care so much about in the month of October. Anyhow, the author will admit, I kind of think I’m starting to like Kroenke’s kids and is Bradford gets a receiver or two, St. Louis Fans will have reason to believe they have a full (rather than 1/3rd) career of Kurt Warner ahead of them to enjoy.
Our Fans Wear Cheese on their Heads to Work in April, and They’re Apt to Bathe in Limburger on Halloween at Rex Ryan’s Real Deal: You can wear a fake hatchet on your head for shock-value, or you can wear a XXXL Jets Vest and stuff a could dozen pillows inside it and perplex your co-workers for 59 minutes and yet somehow win the office costume contest when the final votes are cast. The guy who obsesses over the fake blood and the steely appearance of the hatchet and how the fake blood spectacularly splatters down his neck and shoulder is so obsessed on the realism of
the outfit, that he misses the key part of the Halloween Proceedings: Have Fun. The Guy that’s For Real, Has Fun. Teams that are For Real find ways to win, either in terms of execution, talent, game-planning, or idiotic antiquated definitions of penalties on fourth down (see 46 yard game-deciding pass interference call, week 6). Sometimes they do it by having fun. Not ONE of those definitions applies to the Packers, who barely beat a Vikings team on Sunday Night with a suddenly color-blind Brett Favre throwing darts at Packer defensive players. The Packers very much look like they are a team that is struggling to have fun. With the droves of talent on the team, that shouldn’t be a problem. But even rituals like the Lambeau Leap now look contrived. Sunday Night, Greg Jennings scored a big, clutch touchdown, and almost forgot to leap into the stands. Once there, he didn’t look either happy or comfortable. Then there are the J-E-T-S and their cheeseburgers and their coach who happily pays a $50,000 fine for flipping the bird at an MMA Event and is the first image you’ll get when you search him on Google Images. The critical outcome of this game is whether or not Aaron Rodgers will go Tony Romo and be available for future contests this year. Rex has had two weeks to gameplan for a sieve offensive line in Green Bay. That’s trouble.
Ancient Grecian Gods Confused with Gladiators at How do I Dress as a Brain Cramp? The mythical parents of the Greek Gods, the Titans were far more powerful, but also far less capricious than their offspring, the adulterous and indiscriminate mythological pantheon of Ancient Greece. The present crop of professional “Titans” fancy themselves as the greatest of Gladiators, sometimes throwing out such trivial and inconvenient roadblocks like sportsmanship, fair play and legal hits. It makes for an odd mix, the parents of ancient divinity who play like Roman plebians slaughtering animals and one-another… while dressed in powder blue. Interestingly,
they face the powder blue bombers themselves in Southern California. The Mullet’s Men are playing well and the Chargers are not. But they are terribly overdue, and while the statistics have lied all year with the Number One Offense and Defense and a 2-5 record, eventually, the Chargers talent base will prevail.
The Purple People Autophages at The Revolutionary Minutemen: When Minnesota Supreme Court Justice John Marshall played in the 1970’s, teams had to not only fear, but respect the Vikings. Yes, they lost four super bowls in less than a decade, but they never really got whupped (like my team, the Broncos, the first to five losses). They also had some people involved in the organization that were class acts. Bud Grant. Marshall himself. Now there is this generation. Like everything this season, this game will probably be painfully close. But playing at the Pats coming off a bye? Not a prayer.
Aargh, Matey! What means you’ve never seen a Pirate dressed in Tangerine? at Maybe Your Daughter should be dressed as a songbird, not your NFL Team. This is probably the hardest pick of the day. Who’d a thunk that four weeks ago? Josh Freeman is not only skilled, but clutch, leading a 90 yard game winning drive last week at home and scoring the deciding points with 10 seconds left. That’s Elway Material. But it’s hard to go across country on the road and win the next week after such heroics.
Flannel Shirt. Coffee Mug. Surf Board. It’s Pete Carroll 3.0 and Your Seattle Seahawks! at I couldn’t loan you $20, I spent my last cash on a shriveled skull for my studded shoulder pads that I have to wear to the third deck at Alameda for the game: Pete Carroll has been the epitome of cool and has some sportswriters saying “you know what? I think the ‘hawks might be the best team in the NFC.” These men all seem to forget that the ‘hawks are coached by: Pete Carroll. The Raiders are suddenly frisky. They played a Bronco team that laid one of the biggest eggs in the franchise’s history (this is a team that lost a Super Bowl 55-10, has given up over 50 three times in night games in the last 20 years, and lost to Detroit on Thanksgiving twice, so they know a thing or two about eggs) but it would be foolish to overlook what the Raiders did in that whipping. They always have great athletes. They just never play football. Well somehow, Tom Cable united his athletes, and they played football. BTW: can you seriously imagine a more NC-17 venue then Oakland for a Halloween Football Game?
I own a black and yellow toilet and live in Anchorage, of course I’m dressing as Polamalu for Halloween! at Let’s Give the Raiders Fans a Run for their Money, we’ve got the night game on Halloween and we da’ Who Dat! Yes, there is a scarier place to play on Halloween then Oakland Alameda Anti-Virus Norton Test Patch House of Horrors. It’s called the Super Dome. On Halloween. The year of living dangerously is about to get very, very interesting for Pittsburgh.
We be the Cow and You be the Horse: Three Words: Peyton. Manning. Night Game.